Blame Canada

We Will Survive (Some Pre-Exam Encouragement by Suzie Chiodo)

2009-04-07T13:11:00.002-05:00

At first I was afraid, I was so worried
Hadn't done all of the readings, had no summaries
But then I spent so many nights
Studying reams and reams of law
And now my head's spinning so bad
And I'm not worried any more

I'm gonna clerk, gonna get a place
If not, I'll swallow 15 beers and get completely off my face
Weren't you the one who tried to crush me with your sighs
With your annoying 'does not compute'
Your vague answers, and your rolled eyes

But I don't care, I will survive
I'll pull consecutive all-nighters
And I will work up to the skies
Don't care what all these grants are for
Without them I'll still practice law
And I'll survive, I will survive, hey hey

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Kept thinking I would end up stacking shelves at Wal-Mart
And I spent hour after hour getting all the answers wrong
Then I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
And you see me, somebody who
When it comes to collateral warranties doesn't have a clue
Don't know which Charter test to pick
Can't get a handle on Ethics
But I'll just go to Molly Bloom's
And drink tequila till I'm sick

I will survive! We will survive!
Provided hangovers don't kill us I know we will stay alive
We've got all our lives to live
Expensive law advice to give
And we'll survive, we will survive, hey hey!

You know you've watched too much Battlestar Galactica when...

2008-05-04T20:37:00.002-05:00

1. You stub your toe and yell 'Frack!'
2. You don't automatically think of coffee when someone mentions Starbucks.
3. You develop a crisp English accent a la Gaius Baltar (uh-oh...)
4. You cut the corners off all your stationery. And your books.
5. You see your friend's identical twin and suspect her of being a Cylon.
6. You hear voices in your head and think it's Number Six.
7. You start up a cult dedicated to the Lords of Kobol.
8. You yell "We're right here!" when the characters start talking about finding Earth.
9. You name your firstborn daughter Caprica. And your second Boomer.
10. You start wondering where Admiral Adama gets his endless supply of whisky.

Lyon was a riot

2007-05-08T16:19:00.000-05:00

Ah, nothing like a good holiday. Joe and I just came back from a few days in Lyon (he had a business meeting and we tagged a long weekend on to the end of it). We ate in a traditional 'bouchon' (where the silk factory workers used to eat - lots of good hearty food made from cheap bits of cow and pig, like the brains and the snout...surprisingly delicious), took leisurely walks through cobbled streets, saw lots of old cathedrals (like the one we climbed up to, right) and ate obscene amounts of cheese.

We decided to finish the holiday with a meal in an incredibly posh restaurant. At the beginning of our meal, cheers from the bar next door told us Sarkozy had been elected president. At the end of our meal, the whiff of tear-gas as we walked out onto the street told us some people didn't like the idea. We'd decided to cycle back to our hotel (Lyon has a fab system where you can pay a few euros to rent a bike, then put it back at one of the many points scattered around the city), and we'd just got our bikes when we saw a crowd of people running away from the nearby square.

We went to take a look - and were greeted by a row of riot police, clouds of tear-gas, brainless protestors throwing bins and restauranteurs desperately bringing in tables from their patios. It was easy to get close without being in any actual danger, so we just stared for a good ten minutes. Then a bottle smashed a few feet away from me and we decided to get out of there. I'm glad we had bikes!

Here are the best photos, from a blog called riotporn that's a testament to the utter stupidity of humanity. Heck, why take part in reasoned debate when you can just lob a bin through the window of the nearest McDonald's?

Riot police running past the tourist information office, where we'd asked for directions to our restaurant just a few hours before.

At first I thought this guy was shooting rubber bullets, but it's actually tear-gas. The capsules burst in the air like fireworks, then shower down clouds that smell like burning plastic and make your eyes and throat sting.

We came across a burned-out car a few minutes up the road from our hotel. I guess someone wanted to remember Paris '05.

Getting there (slowly)

2007-04-06T11:14:00.000-05:00

Our house renovation is finally getting somewhere! Just a few weeks ago, Joe and I were eating dinner like this:

and now our kitchen is finished!!! Yaaaaay! Check it out:

Take a look at our incredibly posh living room too!

One more angle, because it looks so good:

We've still got the basement, the garage and the garden left to do, but that's most of the inside work done. I'm looking forward to working without the smell of varnish and the sound of nail guns : )

What global warming?

2007-04-06T11:07:00.000-05:00

We're a week into April and it's snowing outside. Yes, really! Global warming obviously hasn't reached Canada yet. So much for spring. (This pic is of our front garden this morning)

Mashing your toes on sharp objects and other handy household hints

2007-03-16T18:17:00.000-05:00

*Sigh* So we've been having the house & garden renovated for a year now, and I feel like it's finally time to vent. I came home from England at the beginning of February to find our kitchen missing. It still is. I've been living on cereal and restaurant food for the past 6 weeks. I'm not sure how many more bowls of muesli I can take!

But it's a great diet plan, especially when your fridge looks like this (for some reason, we had to have it panelled - don't ask me why):

I've also perfected the art of pushing past the dust covers that hang over the stairs. You have to be careful not to get any dust on you, while holding lots of things so you don't have to go back in 5 minutes for the rest of your stuff. You also have to be careful not to miss a step and brain yourself on the banisters (tricky when you're limping from an infected toe because you mashed it into your suitcase which you left lying around after coming back from England because you were too tired to unpack).

A few more weeks of this and I'll be qualified to join Cirque du Soleil.

So no kitchen, inconvenient stairs (which is a pain because there's dust covers for both sets of stairs, and they divide the two main parts of our house), and a guest room (right) that looks like Hezbollah's been at it with rocket launchers. Into this pristine scenario, Joe introduces the idea that we should have friends from England to stay for a week.

After I finished spitting fire, he told me I was inhospitable. So now we're not speaking.

On a positive note, our 3-year anniversary is coming up! We're planning to stay in and eat cereal.

Thanks

2007-03-14T18:15:00.000-05:00

By the way, thanks to all of you who posted condolences about my grandad - just to let you know I'm fine. The funeral was very sad (as funerals are) but it was great to be there with my family. I never hung out with my dad's side of the family very much when I was a kid, and I really feel like I'm making up for lost time. So there's good stuff too.

My grandad's flowers. He always called everyone 'buddy'. *Sigh*

Alas, poor muscles, I gave them hell

2007-03-14T18:05:00.000-05:00

I've been taking my skating to the next level lately and actually playing (very informal) matches with people who can actually play ice hockey. I went for the first time a few weeks back - it's taken a while to update you because my grandad died the next day, then I went back for the funeral, so everything's been thrown out of whack.

Anyway, I had the time of my life, and even though I skated about a tenth of the speed of everyone else, they were really nice and passed the puck to me and everything. That's what I like about Canada - even if you're not much good at something, people respect you just for giving it a shot. It helped that my English friend Nigel (an English person, living in Grimsby, who plays ice hockey - what are the chances?) kept yelling encouragements to me even though he was on the other team.

It was even worth the severe aches and pains I had to put up with for the following few days. I'm going next week, so I've got that to look forward to again. Got to cram in a few more matches before the season ends!

I'm in the Mail

2007-03-13T19:00:00.000-05:00

I was published in the Daily Mail travel section a few weeks back : ) For those of you who haven't seen it, it's online at: http://www.thisistravel.co.uk/travel/citybreaks/Five-unusual-romantic-breaks-article.html?in_article_id=47540

Granfer Mitchell, 5 July 1926 -20 Feb 2007

2007-02-23T10:59:00.000-05:00

My grandad died last Tuesday. I never saw him as much as I should have done, but whenever I did see him he was always kind and made me laugh. I'll miss him.

Weather wusses

2007-02-16T10:05:00.000-05:00

Canadians are always going on about 'wind chill'. "It's minus 10 outside, but minus 20 with the wind chill." In other words, the wind makes the weather colder than the thermometer says it is. I always thought this was melodramatic guff (how could the weather be colder than it really is?) and a way of weather forecasters making headlines, and this article says I'm right:

http://www.slate.com/id/2159370/?GT1=9129

As well as scrapping the wind chill, we should also lose the 'humidex'. This is the opposite of wind chill, saying the weather is hotter than it really is because of the humidity. More lame hysteria from a country that thinks it's living in the Arctic/Sahara (depending on the season) but is actually more like Maine. And while we're at it, let's get rid of the constant storm warnings! So there's going to be lots of snow - big deal! This is Canada! If you want less dramatic weather, move to England and live in perpetual drizzle.

After the storm

2007-02-14T17:28:00.000-05:00

I never thought I'd say this, but - yay, it's stopped snowing!! We've just spent an hour shovelling our driveway so we can go out to dinner tonight. Here's some more photos:

The guy across the road using his fancy snowblower to clear his driveway - skiver : ) Unfortunately, the storm's still going, blowing all the snow back across the driveway again - slightly pointless really.

The cliff of snow around my car. Joe and I have just finished shovelling all that away. My arms hurt. A lot.

My romantic cutesy side coming through : )

And of course, I couldn't let the day go by without building a snowman - or two. Well, it is Valentine's Day : ) That white thing on Mrs Snowman's head, by the way, is supposed to be a veil. Her lipstick is a nice shade of ketchup.

Snow way I'm going to work today

2007-02-14T10:10:00.001-05:00

My car is snowed in...

...and so are we (this is our back door - you can just see the top of our recycling bin, which is about 2 and a half feet high)

And here's our basement window - at ground level!!

From Istanbul to the Pyrenees...

2007-02-09T10:29:00.000-05:00

In case any of you wanted to find out about my recent travels, take a look at the website I've set up:
http://www.activedisassembly.com/suziechiodo/final_assignment/travel_frameset.html

Highlights of my trip included:

- Being snowed on in 3 countries and 2 continents
- Skiing in the Pyrenees
- Seeing my family in Bristol (below) and helping out at my grandad's senior citizen's party
- Seeing my work on the website of a British national newspaper
- Being nursed back to health by my honorary Turkish family after a nasty bout of stomach flu
- Watching the Northern Lights from our plane on the way back to Canada

My sis for Christmas

2007-01-08T10:39:00.000-05:00

Christmas rocked - not only did it snow (very briefly!) but my sister came over for a week and we did fun things like opening stockings and sightseeing in Toronto - here's some pics (sorry if they're a bit jumbled - nightmares with layout is one of the joys of Blogger):

Me and Tammy after opening our stockings on Christmas day : )

And our stockings hanging by the fireplace - awww... (Joe was asleep, if you were wondering where he was)

Then we spent the rest of Christmas with Joe's family - here we are at the obligatory massive meal...

...and Joe and me opening pressies from my brother and his fiancee...

Later on that week, Tammy and I went up the CN Tower, Toronto's big pointy building (and, apparently, the tallest freestanding structure in the world...how interesting...)

Tam at the top of the tower (check out the view!)

Me about to step off the precipice (nah, not really - this is the faux scary 'glass floor' of the Tower)

Me and Tammy having lunch at St Lawrence Market - probably one of the best food markets in the world (veal parmigiana sandwich...mmm...)

And finally, Joe and Tammy with my Canadian friend Tammy (and the two Tammies liked each other! Yay!)

Canadian Idiot

2006-11-23T19:57:00.000-05:00

Weird Al Yankovic is nowhere near as good as he used to be, but anything lampooning Canadians is funny so check out his latest effort: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHK1gxH23gU

Actually, as I've said a million times before, I love Canada and everything in it (within reason). But it's just not home. Every single member of my family is in England (apart from my dad who's in France - but you get my drift) and I'm here, and I'm getting just a little bit sick of it. Now I've found out my grandad is seriously ill - which makes my plan to come back in January a little bit more concrete. And my sister's coming here for Christmas, which (a) rocks and (b) should tide me over in the family department. I just have to get through the next month...

Climb every mountain

2006-11-16T17:02:00.000-05:00

One new (or rediscovered) sport wasn't enough for me last week, so when my friend Tammy invited me to go rock climbing I gladly accepted. Not that I'd ever climbed before - even if I'd had the opportunity I would have avoided it because I hate heights.

Sure enough, I had a few shaky moments climbing the first wall - in fact, the worst part was getting to the top and having to let go so I could be lowered down on the rope I was attached to (see last photo, below). Even the pros are attached to ropes, and you have to let go of the wall completely to get lowered down.

But by the end of the evening I was scaling the highest walls (35ft) and looking down (without fear!) to listen to people's advice. You see, rock climbing is very strategic and if you get the wrong hand or foothold (the feet are the most important) it can mess up a whole section of climb. So other people yell Twister-like instructions at you ('Right hand red!' or 'Left foot blue!') so you get the right holds and make it up the wall.

And when you get to the top, it's the hugest adrenalin rush. Then your arms start shaking because it takes such enormous physical effort. You should see some of the climbers - they have arms like Madonna and backs like Patrick Swayze (and that's just the girls). I don't know about the back, but it would be fun to have muscly arms. Plus it's great exercise in general and you meet lots of new people - so, along with the ice hockey (which I did again on Monday) I think this could be a regular thing.

What about the triple citizens?

2006-11-07T16:36:00.000-05:00

Today's Canadian headlines said that Ottawa is thinking of changing the law allowing people to hold dual citizenship. This is in the wake of the Lebanese war in the summer, where 15,000 Lebanese-Canadians escaped to Canada having lived away from the country for years, and are now happily claiming social benefits.

A lot of Canadians, naturally, think this is unfair. But what about those of us who do live in Canada, but just don't want to sever ties with the place where we were born (in my case, America) and raised (in my case, England)? The American passport is just very handy - I don't really want to live there, just visit without hassle - but my family's English and I go back there all the time. Heck, my identity is English! (sort of)

But I want to live in Canada, so I also want a Canadian passport. It looks like, somewhere down the line, I might have to choose. That's not something I'm looking forward to.

For more details, follow this link: http://www.cbc.ca/canada/story/2006/11/07/dual-citizenship.html

Ice hockey, at last

2006-11-06T16:48:00.000-05:00

Finally, a year and a half after arriving in the country, I've got round to playing ice hockey!! I hadn't played for about six years (ever since I played for Oxford - I still remember drinking champagne out of the trophy after we thrashed Cambridge : ) until yesterday, when I bravely stepped out onto my local ice rink in my brand new skates. New skates, newly sharpened blades, new ice - all these things made me a little bit wobbly.

But I got used to it, and 45 minutes later I was (a) coasting around the rink pretty confidently, and (b) bored. You see, ice skating on its own doesn't do too much for me. Everyone else at the skating session (all six of them) were chatting to each other, and I wondered how anyone got to know each other if all they did was skate in circles. So I stopped, just to see what would happen. Sure enough, someone skated up to me and introduced themselves! And then she introduced me to everyone else!

And guess what? One of them was English! And not 80 (like most of the English people around here)!! He's a bit of a thesp and works in showbiz so we hit it off straight away. He'd barely known me for 10 minutes when he invited me and Joe over for dinner, so culture-wise he's obviously not completely English. But he'd lived in London for years so we had lots to talk about.

When he discovered I'd played ice hockey for Oxford, he immediately went off and got a couple of sticks and a puck. Up till then I still wasn't completely confident, but as soon as I got a stick in my hand it was like I'd never stopped playing. Wielding a large object to hit things with comes very naturally to me, which I probably should be slightly worried about. Nah, not really. I'm just chuffed I've found new friends and a fun way to exercise. So guess what I'll be doing every Monday morning from now on?

Hung like an Ikea photo frame

2006-11-04T15:49:00.000-05:00

I have to get myself more attached to the grapevine...this Ikea cock-up (tee-hee) has been doing the rounds since the end of August, but I've only just heard about it. Oh well - I still think it's hilarious. What's wrong with this picture on page 2 of the Ikea catalogue? Answers to the 'comments' section, the winner gets an honourable mention in the next entry (so to speak).

It's the 21st century - time for another haircut

2006-11-03T17:59:00.000-05:00

I get my hair cut so infrequently I should, by all rights, look like Cousin It off the Addams Family. Instead, it goes all frizzy and split-endsy and I end up throwing back in a plait and forgetting about it. Then the frumpiness gets too much (even for me) and off I go to the scissor-man.

That's what I did today, using up the last of a gift certificate that Joe gave me a year and a half ago (yes, really - that's when I last got my hair cut). The hairdresser didn't bitch about what poor condition my hair was in - in fact, he said it was great for the length. He even liked my fringe. I think it was all genuine and not just for the tip, but I did my part and tipped generously anyway. It's the Canadian way (a lesson for Brits in the hospitality industry - can you spell 'customer service'? You could probably spell it better if everyone else knew how to spell 'tip').

Then I was in a self-pampering mood so I went shopping. Coming out of the mall, though, I realised I'd lost my car. Mall parking lots are so huge that you can wander round for days and not find where you parked. After walking for 15 minutes in the freezing cold I started imagining the headlines ('Budding Journalist Freezes to Death in Parking Lot Horror' - Suzie Chiodo was discovered dead metres from her Chevy Metro. Forensic pathologists, constructing her final moments, believe she died cursing the very mall where she'd just purchased a fabulous v-neck sweater dress and washed out hipster jeans for only 35 pounds).

When I finally found Silver (don't tell me you've never named your car) I was so pleased I hugged him. I guess that's the precise opposite of being a tree-hugger, but I've never been that glad to see a tree.

And now I get to go out with my fab hair and fab clothes and enjoy a brief moment of looking completely presentable. It might even last a few days.

(By the way, the photos for this entry were taken with the camera on my funky new Apple Macbook. Now I can work wherever I want - and take silly photos of stuff. Yay!!)

Halloween

2006-11-01T17:25:00.000-05:00

Another season, another celebration - such is Canadian life. With autumn/fall, everyone starts decorating their houses with apples and pumpkins and leaves in red, yellow and orange. Kids go on hayrides and wander around in cornstalk mazes. Radio and TV ads start using lame Halloween puns ('It's spook-tacular!') and the shops are crammed with sweets in every conceivable shape and colour (including fingers and skulls oozing black goo that should come with the number of the nearest Poison Control Centre).

A couple of weeks later, Halloween arrives and everyone (including the adults) dresses up. This is the part I love. Hands up the number of people I know in England who would dress up, ever (I can see my sister's hand going up, and Milton's, and everyone's in my accapella group). I can basically count them on one hand. Here, you're considered a stick-in-the-mud if you don't at least put on a funny hat. I went as Batgirl, which was a great excuse to wear PVC : )

Then there's the trick-or-treaters. All the kids go around their neighbourhood getting candy from everyone, and all the neighbours chat to each other and the adults tell the kids how cute they are before giving them unfathomable amounts of E numbers. One of my friends even got cookies that looked like fingers (with almonds for fingernails - how cool??).

It's all good fun, and even the Christians join in rather than condemning people to another night in front of the TV because the whole thing is occult and you'll probably get psychos putting razors in your apples anyway. They realise it's a chance for fun and togetherness just like any other celebration (the mummy in the photo is my friend Nina, who's married to my pastor : ) I love this country!

Some other great costumes, by the way...

My friend Steve as Michael Jackson in 'Thriller'

Steve's mum as Dolly Parton (note the knockers)

My best friend Tammy (left) as a gypsy and Steve's sister Lindsey as a pirate

Media musings

2006-10-15T15:55:00.000-05:00

Being a full-time writer is the best thing ever and I'm loving every minute of it, but it's funny - journalism is like magic. When you become a magician and you learn all the tricks, you can't enjoy them any more because you know the secret. It's the same when I watch a documentary or read an article. I'm able to see through all the drama and hype and meaningless hyperbole and see the bare facts - which often aren't very impressive.

That's why you need the drama. Example - I was watching a documentary on catching this crocodile in Burundi, and it involved lots of infra-red footage of the croc checking out the trap. Pretty boring - until you add Jaws music and comments like 'an eye flickers in the distance' (um - yes, I can see that).

The other day I was listening to the showbiz goss on the radio, and it ended with "That's the latest from Hollywood - and remember, we had it first." Er, no - I think the wire services had it first. Every media organisation willing to pay receives those 24/7 - it's hardly an exclusive.

Even reading a basic newspaper article only takes me a couple of seconds now. I scan it, get the info I need, ignore the window dressing ('through their hijabs you could only see their eyes. And their tears') and move on. It certainly saves time.

On the other hand, working in journalism has also given me more of an appreciation of good writing. You can read a sentence and think 'wow - that's pithy', or 'great use of humour'. I read a piece the other day where the writer travelled back in time to his childhood halfway through the article, then returned to the present at the end of it. It was so seamless and well done, the literary equivalent of the screen going misty and an echoey voice saying 'It all seems like yesterday'.

This is why I'm don't like overuse of drama. If it's a good story, you don't need it. If it's crap story, you shouldn't be writing it in the first place. Unfortunately, drama always sells, so lines like the hijab one above (which I didn't make up) will always be on the front page. I guess I'll just maintain my moral superiority from the lofty heights of page 20.

Living in England

2006-09-23T07:06:00.000-05:00

This three-week holiday hasn't quite turned out how I expected, but that's not a bad thing. I was meant to go and see my dad in France on September 10, then missed the flight, then ended up getting another one on September 11 (great day to fly!).

Then I was meant to be going to Turkey to see the people I used to teach English to. But I got a call just over a week ago from the assistant to the managing editor of the Daily Mail (a national newspaper here), saying "We'd like you to come in on Monday for two weeks' work experience." So I did. And Turkey has been put on hold till next year.

The work experience thing isn't as random as it sounds. A couple of weeks before I left for England, I sent my aunt my CV and a covering letter to pass on to someone my uncle knows in the Associated Newspapers. Then I forgot all about it until I got the phone call.

So now I've been there a week, and *drum roll* I was published on Wednesday!! Yep - my writing, and byline, appeared on page 27 of the Daily Mail. Another notch on the journalistic bedpost. The whole of next week I'm in the travel section, which I'm really looking forward to. Then it's home to carry on living normal life, whatever that is.

It's weird - I've only been in England 2 weeks, but living in one place and working 9-5 and seeing all my old friends means I feel like I live here again. The only thing missing is Joe. And thinking about everyday life back in Canada, about the people at the shelter and friends from church, is decidedly weird. It almost feels like I had a dream about Canada and now I'm waking up.

But hey - it's either culture shock or staying in one place - and I know which one I'd rather do.

Pop the Champagne

2006-08-31T10:44:00.000-05:00

Driving to work this morning I saw a van with "Schindler Elevators" written on the side. Someone missed a great opportunity to call their company Schindler's Lifts.

Anyway, random thoughts aside, I've been busy with yet another project lately. Not blogging (that's been a little neglected), not even writing articles (although I have been working on a few - see my website under About/About the Editor/Portfolio - there's new stuff under Beacon Magazine and Niagara This Week), but writing a book.

Yesireebob! The youth shelter where I work has been going for over 20 years, and the founder wants to write a book about how the place was set up and all the stuff that's happened there over the years. It's a Christian organization (but not in-your-face or pushy about it) and the focus of the book will be how youth have been helped and everything God has done.

So I'm interviewing the founder once a week (who's also contributing some of the writing) and doing a chapter on the basis of each interview. We've signed a contract and I've already written two chapters. Hopefully, by March, we'll have a first draft!

I'm even getting paid to write it (my hours and pay from reception will be transferred to working on the book). Plus there's royalties (but I'm not holding my breath on that one). So, ladies and gents, I am now (or will be when the book is finished, but I'm too excited to wait till then) an Official Author!

This is something I've wanted to be ever since I was able to use a pen (in fact, when I was a young child I even wrote little books in pencil - like 'Bowtie's Birthday', pictured right along with 'The Deer' and 'The Rabbit'). So it's a dream come true! : ))))